Category: exmormon

Christian, exmormon, mormonism

Scars…

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“So I’m thankful for the scars

‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart

And I know they’ll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars”

~Scars~ I AM THEY

This has recently become one of my favorite songs.  The words “I am thankful for the scars ‘cause without them I wouldn’t know your heart” go through my mind several times throughout the day. In my line of work, I am often reminded of my past and there are so many times I want to tell people, “You need Jesus!” But I don’t…

Over the past several months, I have had some family ruckus, and it has brought up a lot of past emotions and memories.  I have had days where I am tearful, frustrated, and angry. But then I remind myself of where I am at.

Merriam-Webster defines a scar as “a mark remaining (as on the skin) after injured tissue has healed”.  The best part of that statement is after injured tissue has healed.

never be ashamed

The difficult things with scars, is that even though they have healed on the outside, doesn’t mean they are healed on the inside.  And even when they have healed, they can be tender to touch or bump. There can be a buildup of scare tissue and if you bump that scar just right, the pain can be excruciating.

Our brain is much the same as those physical scars we see.  When the scars on our brain are “bumped”, it can activate painful memories and emotions that put you right back into the moment you were hurt.

I already had many scars from the bumps and bruises of childhood.  And many others from my adolescence where I struggled with low self-worth, depression, and anxiety.  If you look closely, I have a few scars on my wrist from cutting or passive suicide attempts.  I have one big scar on my shoulder from cutting where I had to get stitches.

When I am in certain situations or around certain people, those scars the physical and emotional can make me feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. This most often happens when I am around my family and especially my extended Mormon family.

The most recent episode, was recently at my uncle’s funeral.  I was speaking with an uncle and a cousin came up and interrupted our conversation.  She didn’t even acknowledge that I was having a conversation, she didn’t say excuse me or apologize for interrupting, she didn’t say anything to me. She just butted into our conversation, didn’t even look my way, and spoke with my uncle as if I didn’t even exist.   She finished her conversation and walked away without even conceding that I was there, that I am human, and I have feelings. At the same funeral, another cousin who I grew up spending a lot of time with and I was close to, didn’t come up and talk to me.  I attempted to talk to her but she was busy and didn’t even look my way.  I walked out with my head held high, but inside I felt like that teenage girl who would never be enough.

amazing grace

There was another situation a few months ago were I had another cousin post something about immigration he quoted Matthew 25:40 “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”  This cousin has been highly judgmental of me since I left the faith of my childhood and have walked away from many of the toxic relationships that fed into my feelings of not being enough.

These situations come up more often than I like to admit. I think it is easy to feel ashamed by my scars, especially when I am in a place of struggle.  My scars can weigh me down and make feel embarrassed and worthless. It is in these times I am so grateful for my God and the knowledge I have that He loves me and created me to be who I am.

One thing I have realized recently is that Jesus had scars.  He was God in human form.  When He was resurrected and showed himself to the apostles, he had scars.  Thomas didn’t believe it was Jesus until He showed him His scars.  John 20:27 “Then He said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here see my hands. Reach out you hand and put it to my side.  Stop doubting and believe’”.

his scars

Jesus had the ability to heal himself of the scars.  To make it so the physical marks of his torture and anguish for our sins were gone, and He kept them.  Christ’s scars are a reminder to me of His humanness.  A reminder that he knows my pain.  He struggled and suffered as a human.  He was tempted but resisted sin in a way I can’t so He would be a Holy sacrifice for me.

As I have grown in my life and healed, from the traumas of my past, I have realized, it is my own negative self-talk that brings me down and holds me hostage the most.  I am grateful for the scars, and the experiences from each one.  I know it sounds sort of cliché. But I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today without those experiences and with those comes the scars.  It is part of what makes me human and makes me, me.

If I didn’t have the experiences, I wouldn’t know Christ, I wouldn’t be where I am today and I wouldn’t have met all the people along the way who have helped me become me. So, I am thankful for the scars.

I’m Just a Small-Town Girl…Living in a world where I am thankful for the scars.

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exmormon, LDS, mormonism

Good enough for Heaven…

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Well, here we are again, it is the weekend of LDS 189th bi-annual General Conference.  May the odds be ever in your favor…

devils net

The current Mormon prophet Russell M. Nelson has made a lot of changes already during his time as the Mormon leader. One of those changes is instead of having a priesthood meeting only for the young men in the church, on the Saturday evening before conference, they now switch off between having a meeting for the young men and young women.  This conference, was the young women’s turn.  They announced new curriculum for the young women to follow.

When I was growing up, the LDS young women followed the personal progress program. There was a theme and motto we would memorize and repeat every Sunday at the beginning of our young women’s meeting.

We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love Him. We will stand as witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places as we strive to live the young women values, which are faith, divine, nature, individual worth, knowledge choice and accountability, good works and integrity *(virtue).

We believed as we come to accept and act upon these values we will be prepared to *(strengthen home and family) make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

*added in 2009

 

With the changes of the curriculum, they changed the motto, it now reads:

I am a beloved daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and eternal destiny.  As a disciple of Jesus Christ, I strive to become more like Him. I seek and act upon personal revelation and minister to others in His holy name.

I will stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things, and in all places.  As I strive to qualify for exaltation, I cherish the gift of repentance and seek to improve each day. With faith, I will strengthen my home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, and receive the ordinances and blessings of the holy temple.

The thing that stood out to me most was the change in strive to live by the young women values and strive to qualify for exaltation.   One thing I have always struggled with in regards to the Mormon belief system is having to be “good enough”.  I have had many people tell me that Mormonism isn’t a works-based faith.  When I have to “qualify” for something that means I really have to work to try to achieve it and I have to be good enough to make it.

No

Dictionary.com defines qualify as:

verb (used with object), qual·i·fied, qual·i·fy·ing.

to provide with proper or necessary skills, knowledge, credentials, etc.; make competent: to qualify oneself for a job.

verb (used without object), qual·i·fied, qual·i·fy·ing.

to be fitted or competent for something.

to get authority, license, power, etc., as by fulfilling required conditions, taking an oath, etc.

Dictionary.com defines live as:

to practice, represent, or exhibit in one’s life: to live one’s philosophy.

Dictionary.com defines strive as:

verb (used without object), strove or strived, striv·en [striv-uh n] or strived, striv·ing.

to exert oneself vigorously; try hard: He strove to make himself understood.

to make strenuous efforts toward any goal: to strive for success.

to contend in opposition, battle, or any conflict; compete.

In my mind there is a big difference between “to practice, represent or exhibit in one’s life” and “to provide with proper or necessary skills, knowledge, credentials, or be competent for”.

Ephesians

For me this post brings up so many reminders of my past. Thoughts and feelings of not being enough. Shame. Guilt. Self-hate, and doubt.  I can’t imagine how I would have felt as an adolescent hearing those words- “Strive to Qualify for Exaltation”.  Wow, the weight of the world on your shoulders at 12!  And today’s world is so much more difficult for adolescents then I could have ever imagined.

If you know my story, you know I struggled my whole life with depression and feelings of worthlessness.  I knew I would never be good enough. I knew I could never be perfect.  I knew I could never do enough to make it to Heaven. When I was in 5th grade I had a “personal revelation”.  That was the first time it really hit me what Christ had done on the cross for me.  I knew my sins.  I knew the things I had done wrong. My “personal revelation” told me that I could never do enough to make up for the things I had already done wrong in my life.  But in my Mormon belief system, I knew even that thought was a sin.

People begin healing the moment they feel heard.  I cried out to God and a faithful Christian, with a personal connection to God reached out to me in faith.  It was the first time I felt heard, and the first time I heard that God loved me regardless of anything I had done.

My heart goes out to the youth in the LDS church today.  Especially the young women who are struggling to fit into a cookie cutter mold when that isn’t who God created them to be.  I know no matter how much I “strive to qualify for exaltation” or try and be good enough for Heaven, I am only setting myself up for failure.  I decided to rewrite the motto of what I try to live by.

shine

I am a beloved child of a Heavenly Father who created me just as I am and has a purpose for my life.  As a disciple of Jesus Christ, I strive to follow His example. I attempt to pursue a personal relationship with God and will express my love for Him by showing His love to others. I will aim to place my faith in God at all times and in all things, and in all places, as I strive to live a life as a disciple of Christ, knowing I am a sinner and I will fail. I am saved only by grace through His sacrifice and death on the cross for my sins. I cherish the gift of the Cross and seek to improve each day. By faith, I will grow in my trust and relationship with God, following Christ and living by His word.

I’m just a Small-Town-Girl…saved by grace in a works-based world.

Christian, exmormon

Do It Afraid…

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I’m currently listening to a book called, It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, by Sheila Walsh.  As I was listening today, she talked about having faith of a mustard seed and how much power that little bit of faith in God can have in your life. As she was talking, I thought about why I haven’t written or been consistent in writing a blog over the last year, and I think the biggest reason is because I am afraid. God has given me everything that I’ve wanted in a job in more. I have more than I ever thought I could want in a career and he’s opening up doors for me that I never even thought would be a possibility for me.  I am setting goals for and pursuing things that never even crossed my mind in the past and I am excited about my career and my future.  I know God put me where I am in my job and my career.  He has opened every door, cleared every path for me to be where I am at today, and yet I can’t trust him. I fear that if I share my faith with my new co-workers and friends, that I might offend someone. Maybe someone will find out something about me they don’t like, or maybe, somehow my faith, blog, or past will come back to haunt me or come back to me in a negative way.  Funny thing is, God loves me, and God put me there.  I know that.

I’ve sat down many times over the last few months and started to write a blog. Or I have written a blog, but it is still sitting on my computer. I haven’t posted it or haven’t finished it because I’m afraid of what people are going to think what people are going to say.  I’m afraid of offending someone or afraid that someone will find something out about my past. Which is really funny because, that’s why I started the blog in the first place, to share my past and to reach out to people. I keep going back to a previous conversation I had with a friend and that I wrote about where I said God’s got my back and if he takes my job from me, he’s got something better. I think it was easier to have that attitude at my last job because that was a negative environment for me, and I didn’t care if I lost my job anyway. I love my job now.  I love where things are going, and I am scared to lose what I have.  I don’t want to lose what I have, and I don’t even have faith of even a mustard seed to keep going, to follow through. I don’t trust God enough that if he provided this for me, he going to see it through. I know that it I don’t have to have “enough” faith or that I don’t have to be perfect.  I know God loves me and an even through my lack of faithfulness and my struggle that is He there for me every step of the way.

I’m so so grateful for His grace. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t stop and thank God for saving me!  Every day I look back and I wonder where would I be if I was still Mormon? I can’t even I can’t even fathom or imagine where my life would be. I’m so grateful to him every day for taking me out of a belief system where I was taught, I had to do enough, be strong enough, or have faith enough.  I will never reach that.

You would think when life is going right, you are at peace, and content, it would be easier to trust God.  But I am learning that it’s not.  God is definitely telling me to trust him, and I am more afraid than when I am in the midst of a storm. I don’t have faith enough, but I do have the faith of a mustard seed even though I am scared.  I can believe that God is going to take care of me I can do it while I’m afraid.

So, I guess, this is a kind of renewal of my commitment to God and what He has called me to do.  I think it is ok for me to be afraid.  I need to share my faith, my story, and keep being me because the only one who really matters put me where I am now.  I don’t know the future, I don’t know where things will go in my life and my career.  What I do know that God keeps telling me “You need to keep doing your blog and you need to keep sharing”. I need to be proud of who I am and where I came from. I need to have just the faith of a mustard seed and trust in what God has already done in my life.  I need to stand strong in God’s love and share my faith.

I’m Just a Small-Town Girl…trying to have faith of a mustard seed, even when I’m afraid.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnmnEc6gF3E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xckDgX8xNfg
Christian, exmormon, mormonism

Overwhelming, Never-ending…

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“While others are congratulating themselves, I have to sit humbly at the foot of the cross and marvel that I’m saved at all.” ~CH Spurgeon

Growing up in my Mormon world I struggled with the idea that I had to be perfect.  I believed that I would never be good enough to go to Heaven.  As a Christian I know I will never be good enough to go to Heaven, I will never do enough to get to Heaven.  I take comfort in knowing that because of Christ I will go to Heaven.

do not fear

Every day I am so amazed by the love God has for me.  It blows my mind to think of His suffering and pain on the cross and although Christ knew of the anguish he would go through when He was put on the cross and yet He willingly went through it all for me.  I am so undeserving of His love and grace, and yet, He is so willing to give it to me.

Living everyday life is hard.  I try to be the person I want to be.  But that is also fueled by the expectations of those around me.  I fail every day.  The most amazing thing is when I fail God’s love and grace are still there for me.  Every day, I try to keep God at the center of my life, and every day I fail.  I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think back to my life before Christ and I wonder where I would be if I hadn’t answered the phone, or if I hadn’t believed that God loves me. If I still lived in my Mormon world I don’t know how I would survive.

reckless love

There is a song called Reckless Love by Cory Asbury, the chorus states:

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

Think about that for a minute…God loves you so much, He would leave his flock to find you, to fight for you.  I fail every day.  I fall short every day.  I can’t earn God’s love or grace.  I will never be deserving of Gods love or grace.

I know I am a sinner, a failure, a hypocrite, a disappointment, and yet my God still loves me.  He’d leave the 99 to come find Me! In my hardest darkest days, that is what keeps me going.  Knowing that I can’t do anything to make God not love me. Knowing that no matter what, He has forgiven a horrible, hypocritical, sinner like me.

you are enough

Knowing all my failures and shortcomings, “I have to sit humbly at the foot of the cross and marvel that I’m saved at all.”

It feels amazing to know…

I’m Just a Small Town Girl…Living in the Reckless Love of God.

 

Christian, exmormon

Neon Lights…

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I was having a conversation with a friend this week and she said one of the things she struggles with is, she wants big neon signs from God telling her the answers she is looking for.  I often feel the same way.  I want a clear and concise answer from God.   But God doesn’t work that way.

directional signs

It’s not that God doesn’t give us answers.  God always gives us answers.  I think that most often the problem is that we don’t get the answers we were looking for, so we look for a different one or try to create the results we want.  God’s answers are yes, no, or wait.  And if you’re anything like me, only one of those answers is the one I am looking for.  When I pray and ask God for something I want Him to provide it for me.  I don’t want to wait, I don’t want God to say this isn’t for you.  Sometimes I feel like I get angry and think, “God you don’t know me! You don’t know what I need!”  But if God doesn’t know me or know what I need, then who does?

I have realized as I have grown in my Christian walk the closer I am to God, the more I get to know Him, the clearer I see His answers.  I have also found, that when I don’t get the answers I am looking for, I am able to accept the answers even when I don’t like them.  My faith has grown, and I have learned to trust God completely.  He has always been faithful and followed through and provided me with more than I need. And even when I have struggled through situations, he has always been faithful in meeting my needs with something better than I could have imagined.

god whispers

I think the devil uses what we think is God not answering to create doubt in our minds.  When we have doubt in our minds, it makes us not trust God and lets the devil into our minds.  Doubt can create so much chaos in our lives.  We stop trusting God and try to do our own thing.  I don’t know about anyone else, but that never works out well for me.

god whispers

I found this story about doubt recently (adapted from Inspirational Short Stories About Success and Happiness Verusha Singh/Virend Sigh):

One day the devil decided that God had received too much good publicity and he too deserved some publicity for the work he does to make this word an interesting place.  He called a major TV news network and, after identifying himself, he arranged an interview.

For the interview, he transported a report and camera crew to Hell and gave them a tour of his “Art Gallery.” His gallery didn’t consist of elements of great art.  Instead, his gallery was made up of many rooms varying in size, each one dedicated to a specific item of interest.  In one room were piles of gold on a marble table, stacked to the ceiling.  “This is my greed room” the devil said, “Greed is one of my most favorite tools.”

Moving to the second room, the devils showed the reporter and his crew a group of men and women enjoying themselves in a cocktail lounge.  “This is my infidelity room,” the devil claimed, “This is a place of temptation for many, especially when they are away from home.”

The devil continued the tour of his gallery, proudly presenting rooms with many different vices, drugs alcohol, and many other destructive and harmful items and lifestyles.

Finally, the news crew care to the last room.  The devil paused and said, “Herein lies my greatest tool.  With this tool, I can accomplish more evil than with all the other tools at my disposal.  In fact,” the devil gloated, “without this tool the other tools would not be as effective.”

Excited to see what could be behind this door, the reporter and his crew moved closer to the door and prepared for some amazing footage.  The devil opened the door triumphantly.  It was a small, plain, room with a small pedestal positioned in the middle and spotlight highlighting a small item on top of the pedestal.

The news crew was greatly disappointed, for it appeared what was on the pedestal was a common door stop.  They moved closer to inspect the item, sure they had missed something.  As they moved closer they saw a small wedge-shaped object that was very similar to a doorstop.

Bewildered how this common everyday object could be the devils greatest tool, the news crew turned to the devil searching for an explanation.  The devil cunningly smiled, “This is the wedge of self-doubt. With it, I can shatter a person’s self-image.  I drive this wedge in the back of a person’s mind between their abilities and what is truly possible for them, then I can completely destroy that person.  In fact, I use this tool every day to destroy millions of lives.”

selfdoubt

I think the devil revels most when he can drive that wedge into our minds and sperate us from God.  The best time for that to happen, is when we don’t see our neon signs.

I’m just a Small Town Girl… Living in a world without neon signs.

Christian, exmormon, LDS

Death…

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This has been an emotional week for me and another week of learning just how far I have grown as a Christian and in my faith and trust in God.  The beginning of the week my mom called and told me my almost 90-year-old grandma, who is a strong Christian woman was in the ICU with the flu and pneumonia. I was so saddened by this news.

traveling

My grandma lived less than a mile from me growing up, but I didn’t get much of an opportunity to spend time with her or my grandpa because of religious differences between my family and my grandparents. It wasn’t until a couple years after Brain and I walked away from Mormonism that I really began to realize the role my grandparents had in me coming to Christ and that they were Christians.  My grandparents found out about us leaving the LDS church by running into us at the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon.  The church we attended at the time was 30 minutes from home and was in a bigger town with more options for grocery stores and other shopping.  I remember when we saw my grandma at the store, she was so surprised to see us!  Brian was working that day, but she was so surprised when I told her we had been attending a Christian Church in town and we had realized the problems with Mormonism.  She told me her and my grandpa had been praying for all of us kids our whole lives.  She told me they always attended our baptisms and church things they were invited to, to be supportive, but they always prayed that God would open our eyes to the truth.  It was awesome to know I was an answered prayer for my grandparents.

Just a few years after seeing my grandma at the grocery store, my grandparents decided to sell their home in our small town and travel around the United States, taking time to visit their kids that lived all over.  It was sad to see them go just when I started to have a close relationship with them.  I felt so blessed that my kids were able to know my grandparents. After Brian and I became Christian, we had some of the most amazing and in-depth conversations with my grandparents, and especially my grandpa.  I learned a lot about my grandparents in a short time and they gained an extra special place in my heart.

breath

Growing up, all I knew about them is they weren’t Mormon, and they drank coffee.  As a child in my head that made them not very good people.  As an adult, and a Christian, I was humbled by the love they had for God and for their family.  I remember a conversation I had with my grandpa on one of their visits home, he said he had my back, even with my family and if I was having a hard time because they didn’t support my choice to be a Christian he would stick up for me and even talk to my dad for me.  It felt good to know I had an ally.

My grandpa passed away almost 6 years ago, and I miss him so much. I haven’t had to face death very much in my life.  I remember feeling so sad and bitter when my grandpa passed away. When I heard about my grandma, I was sad, but I had a conversation with my husband, and then the next morning on my way to work, I had a conversation with God, I knew that she was in pain and suffering.  My grandma was able to come and visit us this past summer and it was so nice to see her.  I didn’t spend the time with her I wish I would have.  But I know she said it has been hard without grandpa around.  She has lived a great life.  My prayer to God was, “Your will be done.”

psalms 62 1

When grandma passed away, I was sad that I didn’t get to know her more, sad I didn’t send the pictures, I always meant to send, sad I didn’t call or write more.  I was sad for me, but the first thought that came to my head was the song “I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me.  I knew that Grandma was in Heaven with Jesus and grandpa.  The Bible says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.  The next song I thought of was “Home” by Chris Tomlin.  Grandma was Home and happy.  And although, I was sad for me.  I couldn’t help but be excited and happy for her.

It made me think, I am so grateful to be a Christian and to know I am saved. I have a lot of atheist and agnostic friends, and I can’t imagine living life without a belief in an afterlife or feeling uncertain of what that is.  I am also so grateful I don’t have to worry or hope that I have done enough to make it to Heaven.  All that needed to be done was done on the Cross.  I just have to accept Christ as my Savior.  I know my grandma is home and I will see her again.

I’m just a Small Town Girl… Living in a world where Heaven is certain.

Christian, exmormon

Church is My Favorite…

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It has been a crazy few weeks!  Between holidays, sickness, work, and family stressors, I am so glad to be getting life back on track. It’s been a while since I have typed a blog.  I have really struggled with my focus and with where God is taking me.  I have had a lot of change in my life over the past year and the last few weeks my life has felt overwhelming.

Last night as all the thoughts and events were going through my head and I was trying to stress myself out, God whispered to me, “It’s OK I’ve got this.”  It amazes me, how in the past, the events of my life that I am currently dealing with would have sent me into a tail spin and today, I can stop and know that God is in control and he has a lot bigger and better plans for my life than I do.

jer 29 11

I wasn’t overwhelmed about anything specific but just life in general.  The last few weeks there have just been a lot of things going on in my already crazy world and I have just been able to feel the weight of all of them.  I think the thing that stands out to me most right now is that as a Mormon life often felt overwhelming.  It often felt like I had a lot on my plate and not enough time to even think about it all.  My life as a Christian I think is more busy, just because of life circumstances, but most of the time it is not as overwhelming.

My last blog I wrote about religion and the frustrations and irritations I have with organized religion.  What’s funny about that is I have realized over the last few weeks how much I love church, or I guess my church and my church family.

Brian and I have the amazing opportunity to be a part of the tech team at our church.  Brian runs the sound and I take care of the slides and videos for the church. We are at church early on Sunday mornings, and I am usually finishing up the power point presentation when I get home from work on Saturday.  As much as I love what I do at church sometimes I really don’t want to get up on Sunday mornings.  But… it doesn’t matter how I feel on Sunday morning, it doesn’t matter, if I take the time to get up and fix my hair and do my makeup, or if I just wear a sweatshirt and throw my hair up into a ponytail, I am always grateful that I showed up at church.

church

I enjoy the people I interact with, they always ask about my adult kids and how they are doing in their lives.  And I very much enjoy Pastor Roger’s messages every week.  The worship does one of 2 things,  sometimes both at the same time.  It will bring me to tears or brighten my mood. In many ways church has become my happy place.  It is one of my favorite places to be.

I haven’t always loved church.  Growing up, I despised church, I hated going. What teenager wants to go spend 3 hours listening to how you need to be a good person, live morally, listen to the prophets, “look at all the hard choices your leaders were faced with and they still made good choices, you can do it too.”  For me they were shame and guilt filled messages that reminded me I would never be good enough.  I rarely came home from church feeling like I was loved and with my mood brightened.  I was inspired and encouraged by some of the stories, but most often, I was reminded of how big of a failure and disappointment I was to those “amazing examples of the gospel” around me.

I think there is a huge difference between church and religion.  When Brian and I first became Christians, we attended a church that had 3 services.  There were a lot of people from many different walks of life who chose to worship there.  We met some amazing people there are we are still friends with some of those people today.  God led us to our current church and from the minute I walked in I loved the atmosphere.  I loved the people. And I loved that I could be me.  I walked into our church and saw just that people in different phases of life, with different struggles, different perspectives, but all of them love God.  Even in the big church we attended people weren’t there out of obligation, to fulfill a calling, or to check mark the box on their weekly to do list.  It was about giving back to God by loving other people.

lighthouse

So, even with the struggles I have with religion, I think church is essential.  My last blog I asked 3 questions, Do you know God?  Do you have a relationship with Him?  And are you being accountable in that relationship?  I think church helps me answer these questions.  My relationship with God is personal and can only be between Him and me, but it is though worship and surrounding myself with others that know Him and live according to His word that help me to grow closer to Him.  I am held accountable by being around the people who know me and challenge me to grow in my relationship with Christ. So as much as I hate religion, church is my favorite!

I’m just a Small Town Girl…loving my church!

Christian, exmormon, mormonism

Rock or Sand?

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I hate religion!  I absolutely hate it!  Religion is judgmental and hurtful.  Religion creates a set of rules you are required to follow to measure your righteousness in life and so you can measure your salvation.  Religion is about Christianese and culture, legalism and following the rules.  And I hate it.

 

Every day, I work with people from many different backgrounds and experiences.  A few weeks ago I had a very rough week, and one thing every difficult situation I experienced had in common was religion.  Religion is a place of rules, requirements, and unrealistic expectations.

I feel like religion is a breeding ground for perfectionism, and perfectionism leads to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and shame.  I think religion takes the uncertainty out of our faith.  We no longer have to have a blind faith with religion.  We don’t have to believe in something that isn’t tangible.  Religion makes our faith tangible and measurable so we know what we need to do to win the race, to get the crown.  I think people cling to religion because we don’t like the uncertainty of faith.

perfectionism

I also think religion is a place where personal accountability to our faith is lost.  If I put on the face, go out and serve in my church, do and say the right things, then 2 thumbs up, I’m on the right track.  But where is God in what I’m doing?  Where is my accountability to God and my personal relationship? It’s lost…

It makes me think of the song “The Wise Man Built His House”

 The foolish man built his house upon the sand

The foolish man built his house upon the sand

The foolish man built his house upon the sand

And the rain came tumbling down

Oh, the rain came down

And the floods came up

The rain came down

And the floods came up

The rain came down

And the floods came up

And the foolish man’s house went “splat!”

The wise man built his house upon the rock

The wise man built his house upon the rock

The wise man built his house upon the rock

And the rain came tumbling down

 

Oh, the rain came down

And the floods came up

The rain came down

And the floods came up

The rain came down

And the floods came up

And the wise man’s house stood firm.

I feel like those who blindly trust in religion are the foolish men and people who have a personal relationship with Christ are the wise men.

Growing up in Mormonism the focus was so often on being a Mormon and not on God or Jesus.  It’s funny because when you ask Mormon’s if they believe in Jesus or if they teach about Jesus the typical response is, “Of course we do, it’s in our name”.  The thing is, growing up the focus was rarely on Jesus or God, it was on the religion itself.  The focus was Joseph Smith and Mormonism.  But in all reality, it wasn’t very often there was a lesson about Christ or having a personal relationship with Him.

In my experience as a Mormon, the focus was all about the current prophet of the church and following the prophet.  And don’t forget “Praise to the Man” referring to Joseph Smith.  When I left Mormonism, there were so many things I found out about God, Christ, Christianity, and religion that I never knew before.  I don’t think I had even heard of grace or salvation before becoming a Christian.  They were definitely not terms we talked about in Mormonism.

personal relationship

As a Christian, I believe the most important thing is to have a personal relationship with Christ.  That means you talk to Him, and spend time reading His word, you spend time with people who are also in a relationship with Him.  I think it means the intention behind what you do is to please God.  When you have a relationship with God and that is the focus of your faith instead of religion being the focus of your faith, the shame, guilt, and self-doubt that comes with religion, don’t have room to grow, it’s easier to embrace the uncertainty.

There are many times I struggle with my relationship with Christ, when He is not first in my life.  I know when I’m struggling in life, I need to stop and refocus.  When I struggle the most it’s because I am focusing too much on what I can do and how I can control things on my own. In these moments I know my relationship with Christ is struggling.

I do think worship is important, and I think having a church and people you can connect and fellowship with is important.  When people ask my religion, I tell them Christian without hesitation.  So, maybe it isn’t really religion that I hate.  Maybe it’s the judgmental, hypocriticalness that comes from religion.  Maybe it’s the focus on rules and works versus faith and grace.

hypocrite

What I do know is, it doesn’t matter where you go to church, what you wear, the color of your hair, if you wear jewelry or not, the size of your house, bank account, or the type of car you drive, God wants you.  He wants your heart.  He wants to interact and have a relationship with you.  Religion doesn’t matter, what matters is do you know God?  Do you have a relationship with Christ?  And are you being accountable in that relationship?

I’m just a Small Town Girl…building my house upon the rock.

Christian, exmormon

Twinkle Lights…

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One of my Facebook memories from today was an excerpt from the book; Ending Your Day Right by Joyce Meyer it said, “The highest call on your life is to enjoy God. But you can’t enjoy Him if you are convinced He is upset with you. Jesus came to deliver you from the wrong kind of fear in your relationship with your heavenly Father. You should be relaxed in His presence. You need to have reverential fear, the kind that provokes respect, honor, and obedience. But you must refuse to believe any thoughts that the Lord is angry with you.

You are no surprise to God. Jeremiah 1:5 states that before He formed you in the womb, God knew you! He knew what He was getting when He drew you into a relationship with Himself. He already knows the things you will do wrong in the future. God is not nearly as hard to get along with as you think He is. It is not your sin that hinders you, it is unbelief!”

Oh, how often I still struggle with this concept.  It is so hard to let go of the thought, “I will never be good enough for God”.  Life is hard.  Every day is a struggle.  That’s one of the things that has been the hardest things for me to accept as a Christian.  I want God to make life easy.  I want Him to say, “Hey you’ve accepted me, here ya go… here’s an easy life”. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way.

gods plan

John 10:10 says, “The thief’s purpose is to steal kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.”  God has a plan and a purpose for each of us.  We are our own biggest barriers. The devil uses us as a wedge to get between us and God.  He feeds on our fears and our doubts.  We fall into that trap and we often feel worthless.

I remember growing up the struggle I had with myself and believing that God loved me.  I struggled with feeling that I was good enough.  I struggled to find happiness.  I spent a good part of my life searching for joy, for happiness, for purpose and meaning.  I really believed the mantra of; I’ll be happy when… but when those moments came, I was happy for a moment but it didn’t last very long and then I was focused on the next big thing that I wanted in my life. I had no identity and no real purpose for living other than what my religion told me.

Growing up I often struggled with the thought that God was mad at me. I struggled with believing that God could love me even after some of the things I had done.  At times I felt like God wanted nothing to do with me. I believed the more I accomplished in my life, the more God would love me.  The better chance I would have at going to Heaven.  I believed the lie that I could do enough.

When I found Christ, I was at rock bottom in my life.  I was at a point where everything I was afraid of happening was and I had lost all hope for myself and my future. I felt worthless and hopeless. It wasn’t that there wasn’t anything good in my life, it was just I was so focused on the big things, I couldn’t see the amazing details of my life.

little things

As I have mentioned many times, I am a huge fan of Brene Brown.  I love her books and insights, I love watching her Ted Talks and using them to help people improve their lives.  One of my favorite Brene Brown quotes is, “Twinkle lights are the perfect metaphor for joy. Joy is not a constant.  It comes to us in moments – often ordinary moments.  Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy chasing down extraordinary moments.  Other times were so afraid of the dark that we don’t let ourselves enjoy the light. I believe a joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith.”

It’s so easy to get caught up in the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s, or become so afraid of doing things or afraid of the good moments that I don’t take time to enjoy them. But God didn’t create us with a spirit of fear.  God created us to draw near to Him when we struggle.  God isn’t a god of anger.  He is our Creator.  He loves us and wants us.

joy

The closer I draw to God the more twinkle lights I have in my life.  Knowing God, helps me appreciate the small moments in life. He helps me embrace the struggles and find meaning and purpose in every situation.  I think because I have found purpose in Christ and I know He loves me regardless of anything, it is easier for me to appreciate the small things in life.  Life isn’t about the big extraordinary moments.  It’s about learning to appreciate the small everyday things knowing that God has your back.

I’m just a Small Town Girl…living in a world of twinkle lights.

 

 

Christian, exmormon

Freedom to Sin…

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I’ve had people ask me if Christians are allowed to sin and do whatever they want because they believe in salvation by grace alone.  That always makes me laugh.  Grace is not a get out of jail free card.  As a Christian I know that I sin every day.  And even when I sin, I am not free from the consequences of my sin even though I am forgiven.  I also know, I have already been forgiven of my sins.  So, I guess the question is, if I already know I am forgiven, then, why isn’t grace a get out of jail free card?

sin

The real problem is that sin is everywhere.  We as humans like to think that we are “good” people and that just living as a “good” person in the world is enough.  As a Christian, I know I am not really a good person.  I do things wrong every day.  I even have days when I know I am living life not pleasing to God.  But as I grow in my relationship with Christ, I become more accepting of myself and I focus more on Christ and try to be a better person.

beloved

As a Christian, I find the more I grow in my relationship with Christ the more I recognize when I am in sin.  I am often more convicted when I feel my behavior and things I am doing are not pleasing to my God.  The biggest difference from my life before Christ and my Christian life is that I know I am already forgiven.

Growing up I struggled so hard with feeling like I was enough.  I felt the impossibility of living a life free from sin which led me to feeling very hopeless.  I just wanted to be accepted and be enough.  I often felt it was pointless to even try if I was never going to be enough anyway.

Micah Tyler has a song out right now called Different.  The Chorus is

I wanna be different
I wanna be changed
‘Til all of me is gone
And all that remains
Is a fire so bright
The whole world can see
That there’s something different
So come and be different
In me

I think this is exactly how I feel as a Christian.  I don’t feel that I am ever free to sin, but I sin every day.  I want to be different.  I want people to be able to see Christ in me!

 

I feel like when I became a Christian, and recognized I was saved by grace and it didn’t matter what I did, God would still love me.  I felt hope again.  Being saved by grace I have become a more willing participant in my life and the world around me (most days).  I make more of an effort to live a life pleasing to God.  I want to be different for Christ.  I want people to see what He has done in my life and I want His light to reflect out of me.  In most situations I try to do the right thing.  I focus on being positive and trying to be a positive light to those around me.  It took me a while to be able to say, “I am saved” and believe that I had truly accepted Christ into in my heart and would go to Heaven, but when I did I wanted to shout it from the roof tops and share the love and grace that I received from Christ with everyone.

contribute

As a human, I have a sin nature.  I sin on a pretty regular basis.  The nice thing about grace is, I know I am forgiven.  There is nothing I can do ensure my forgiveness other than accept Christ as my Savior.  But the best part of being a Christian saved by grace alone is at the end of the day I can say, “God, I tried today, I didn’t do too great.  But thank you for loving me any way.  I’ll try again tomorrow”.  That’s the great thing about being saved by grace.  So, as I Christian do I feel like I am free to sin?  Absolutely not!  But as a Christian am I grateful for the knowledge that no matter how bad I mess up in the day, and regardless of the consequences I face, I am forgiven?  Absolutely YES!

sin

I’m just a Small Town Girl…wanting to be different in a sinful world.